My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
