from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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