she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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