oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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