worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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