You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
