There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you had me at cake vodka
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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