I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
