I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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