he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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