mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
worst night to have a conscience
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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