Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
