I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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