My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
