Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
