You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
