Please, let me fuck your mom
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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