I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
