I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
