Im at strip club and am horny
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
