You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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