He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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