found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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