how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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