Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
