I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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