i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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