The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
