I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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