I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
