I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
