Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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