Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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