im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
