Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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