I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize