Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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