omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize