jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
