dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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