i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
