my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
