Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
