omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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