oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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