wakey wakey hands off snakey
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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