"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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