Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just invented taco cereal.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize