birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize