I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
