Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
