for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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