I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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