She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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