Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize