meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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