had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
