Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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