So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Watching her eat just hurts me
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
