I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
no, he came in my armpit
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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