I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
